Yin, Meet Yang - Chapter 2

 

CHAPTER 2

Life in the back room is good. 

I have my pillows. I have my tv. I have my cute teddies turning slowly around above me. 

What else could I possibly need?

I have watched the kid grow and do all of the stupid kid things that kids do and his life seems ok. 

He may not be the smartest, or the cutest but he does alright. 

Yep. Life is good. 

Shut up teddies. 

I am not bored. I am happy here in my small back room. Just another 70 years or so and it will be all done and I will be outta here. 

Shut up. 

You just concentrate on turning around slowly and looking cute.  That is your job, not giving me lectures on how I should live this life. 

The back room might be small and it might be a little bit empty but at least I have no real problems here. I can sit and relax and check on the kid occasionally. Plus I have you guys to keep me company with your nagging and your complaining and your constant fucking advice on what I should be doing. 

Ok. Ok. So maybe I am just a little bit bored. 

But life out there is hard you know. There is a problem and a hassle waiting around every corner. People are out to get you, everyone wants what you have, they use you, abuse you and then leave you with nothing and no one. Everyone lies, everyone cheats and everyone wants something from you. 

Life is hard you know. At least in the back room I have you guys. You guys and my pillows. You guys, my pillows and my tv. 

I know. I will turn my tv on and see what the kid is up to. 

Will that shut you up?

Hmmmm. They seem to have grown a tree inside the house. A big huge fucking tree, inside, taking up half the room.

What the fuck?

Wait. There are presents under the tree and stupid decorations all over everywhere. 

I think I know what is happening here. 

Hey teddies. Have you ever seen anything like this before? This could be fun. I sort of remember this and it is something that could be really, really good. 

Maybe you teddies are right. Maybe a trip to the front isn’t such a bad idea after all. It has been a while after all and I still need some more inspiration so I can imagine more stuff and things in my room. 

Alright teddies. I have made a decision. I am leaving you in charge for a bit while I head up front but while I am gone I don’t want any mischief. No parties.  No sleep overs. Just stay there turning slowly around. 

Ok?

I will be back soon.

…………

The room was completely different from last time. There were decorations everywhere. On the walls, on the windows, on the furniture and all over that tree. That huge massive tree with that incredible smell and all those presents underneath it. The tree was covered with glittery, shiny strands and little things hanging down from the branches. 

There were round, colourful, shiny balls that twinkled in the light. 

There were little reindeer and little Santa’s and little angels bobbing up and down. 

There was a  strange, old, painted pine cone with glitter all over it that looked like it should be chucked on the fire and burned immediately. 

There was a dorky looking angel made of cardboard that looked like it was made by a 3 year old with mental issues. 

But it was all magnificent. The tree was glorious and the decorations made it magical and wondrous.  

It looks like they have some new furniture too. Big chunky leather seats with little tables and other stuff. There were colourful bowls and plates on the little tables. 

And presents under the tree. Lots and lots of presents. 

I remember presents. I like presents. Presents were good. And they are all mine. Mine I tell you. 

The parents were sitting on the new chairs just watching me as I sat on the floor by the tree. They had a funny look on their faces. They looked sort of happy and sort of excited and sort of….. 

I dunno. Was that love? 

Fuck knows. 

They seem to be happy just sitting there watching me. Why aren’t they rushing over and grabbing the presents? Why aren’t they ripping all the wrapping off and throwing paper everywhere?

Why aren’t we doing a fight to the death and the winner gets to keep all the presents for themselves?

Wait. I remember now. They are grown ups. They just sit and watch. 

Ok. You guys just sit there. 

Now, where’s my presents? Where’s my presents?

Gimme ‘em. Gimme ‘em. 

Yea! I have presents. Lots and lots of presents to open. They fucking love me!

What is that on the new table? Is that bowl of yummy looking biscuits?

The kid went to grab one but stopped and looked back at his parents. Mum just gave a big huge smile and nodded. 

The biscuit looked incredible. It was like a real life miniature elf with little tiny elf clothes and a little tiny stupid looking elf hat. 

I’m eating your head, elf. Oooh yea. Tasty elf head biscuits. Yummy. 

What is that I hear. Music? Is someone singing about chestnuts and ice monsters trying to eat me? And they want to roast me on an open fire?

What the fuck?

Ok. Let’s forget about the whole chestnut roasting and Jack Frost biting. Let’s get back to those wonderful presents. 

Whoa. What is that smell? Is that hot chocolate? 

Dad was bringing over a steaming mug that smelled like heaven. Heaven in a big mug with a reindeer on it. A reindeer with a big, huge, red fucking nose. 

Gimme. Gimme!

Oooh yea. That is good hot chocolate. 

The melted marshmallow has burnt my tongue and the inside of my mouth and now is stuck all over my teeth but….. eh. 

Who gives a fuck. It is yummy. 

Gimme presents. Gimme presents. 

Mum leaned over and handed me one of the presents. She bent down and kissed me gently on the cheek. 

“Here’s one.” She smiled and sat down again in her big red leather chair. 

“Thanks mum”, I heard him say. 

Open it! Open it!

Don’t try and undo it gently. What are you doing? For fucks sake! No need to be gentle at Christmas time. We need to be fast and furious. Rip, shred, tear, throw paper here. Chuck paper there. 

Oh yea. I remember Christmas now. I am so fucking excited. 

Right. What have I got? What have I got?

A jumper?

A fucking jumper?

What the fuck! 

Are my parents that sort that get me socks and undies and school books for fucking Christmas?

I think you are missing the whole point of Christmas here you stupid parents. 

Christmas is about you giving and me receiving!

Don’t they teach you anything in Parent School you fucking useless hippy tree hugging fuck faces!

For fucks sake!

Why are my parents just sitting there smiling at me?

“Thanks mum, thanks dad.” The kid got up and hugged them. They each gave him a little kiss on the cheek. 

Shut up kid. You don’t thank them for a fucking jumper. They will just keep giving you stupid useless presents if they think you actually like getting fucking jumpers as presents. 

You should just get up and slap them. Slap them hard, otherwise, next year, you will be getting a sensible pair of school shoes for Christmas. 

These guys obviously don’t understand the whole spirit of fucking Christmas. 

Mental note: Through out the coming year harass the fuck out of my parents until they understand the whole giving and receiving thing. Use weapons like holding my breath, throwing myself on the floor and shouting things like “nobody loves me”. They are classics and never, ever fail in totally convincing parents to do exactly what they are fucking told. 

Ok. That gives me something to do next year. 

Oh. Another present. I noticed a big label on it with a picture of the big fat red guy himself and some writing. 

No time to look at fucking labels. 

Open the present!

“Thanks Dad.” Dad was smiling. Mum was smiling. Fuck knows why they are so fucking happy. I am the one getting the presents. Not you. 

Right, so another present eh? I hope it is….. I dunno. I hope it is anything except for another stupid fucking jumper.

Or a stupid pair of pants. 

Or a stupid shirt. 

Right. Close my eyes and wish. No stupid fucking clothes please, please, please. 

Now, Rip. Tear. Shred. Throw. 

Ok. Get ready for it. 

Wind your expectations way down kid. Expect socks or a lump of coal or an old stuffed toy they found on the side of the road. 

It is …… Ooohh. Books. 

Let’s see. There’s Asimov, Heinlein and Tolkien. I sort of remember Tolkien. He had the hobbits and wizards and things. 

I liked Tolkien. 

I liked hobbits. 

Hey this isn’t so bad. Books are an ok present. 

Not a great present, but not too bad. The covers look pretty good and they have that fantastic new book smell. 

Ok. I will give that present a score of 5. Are you listening parents?

A 5. And that’s out of 10 by the way. 

Better than a jumper but not as good as a real full sized hobbit I could keep as a pet. 

“Thanks mum and dad. They are awesome.” The kid was happy. 

I could feel his big, huge stupid smile. 

Hmm. He seems a little excited about a 5 out of 10 score present. 

They are just books you know. It’s not as if it was a giant mechanical robot that stomps around destroying things or a mini flying saucer that we could fly through space and into the burning hot sun. 

They are books. Just books. 

Well, I guess it could have been worse. 

Ok. One more present. 

Rip. Tear. Shred. Throw. 

What the fuck is this!

A dorky fucking hat?

I could have used this back when I had my giant fucking melon head but….. what the fuck. Why would I need a fucking helmet hat now?

Are we going to war with a neighbouring cannibal tribe? 

Are zombies heading our way to scoop out our delicious brains?

Maybe I am going bald at an exceptionally young age and I need something to hide my terrible affliction. Do I need to rethink the whole running off to join a circus plan?

What the fuck people! Why are you fucking with me?

The kid started smiling. I could feel it grow from deep inside. A warm happiness that was turning into full blown joy. 

He jumped up and ran to his parents. He grabbed them both and hugged them hard. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Was all he could say. 

What the fuck kid. It is a dorky hat helmet that wouldn’t even stop a well placed light sabre attack. An orc would chew through this thing like butter. We’d be dead and eaten in seconds flat. 

I have seen much better and way cooler hats on garden gnomes! 

This is a dorky hat!

Why are we running?

Oooh. We are outside. 

What’s that over there?

Is that…… really? 

A bike?

Oh fuck yea! A fucking bike. A fucking monster size, bright blue bike with gears and handle grips and sparkly paint. 

Fuck yea. Fuck yea!

This is it kid. Our ticket to freedom. Our escape from boredom. Our pathway to adventure. 

Let’s go. 

Wait. Either the bike was huge or the kid was a midget sized dwarf. (Maybe the mines are still an option we should think about). 

If I stood on my toes and stretched as hard as I could I could only just get my leg over the bar. 

I can see mum and dad rushing over. 

“Sorry about the size.” Dad lifted me up and sat me on the bike seat. He looked a bit sad. 

Mum was standing there next to him with a worried look on her face. 

“Is it too big”. She sounded really worried. “Will it be ok to ride?”

Dad held me on the bike and balanced me. “I am sorry, son. I thought this size would be ok.”

I stretched my legs as hard as I could and I could only just reach the pedals. The handle bars seemed to be a long way away but if I stretched my arms out I could grab the soft, squeezy, handle bar grips. 

“Sorry kid”, I heard dad say. 

Are you fucking kidding me!

This 

         is 

              fucking 

                            AWESOME!

“It’s great dad. It’s perfect. I can ride it.” The kid was really excited too. 

Fuck yea we’re riding it. We are riding it for fucking ever!

“Well, let’s give you a quick lesson then”, Dad said as he put the helmet on my head, fastened the buckles and wheeled me out to the backyard lawn. 

Hang on. Hang on. I remember this stuff.  

I think I will come back when the lessons are done, thank you very much. 

I have been through these lessons before and they always end up with tears and screaming and yelling and more tears. 

I will be in the back room if you need me. 

Thanks for the bike and books and even the jumper I guess but I will catch you all later. 

…………

The back room looked dark and empty when I returned. After all the bright colours and cheery decorations up front, this room looked a little sad and a little cold and a little depressing. It really needs some brightening up. 

Hey teddies. 

Oi. Look over here. 

I am about to imagine something really cool. Are you ready to be amazed?

Shazam!

Look. A big fat brown leather chair. How cool is that?

But wait. There’s more. 

Shazam!

A fancy leather foot stool. How good am I?

I have super imagination!

What do you mean it’s the same as the one I saw in their house. 

It is nothing like that one. That was completely different and anyway, I hadn’t even remembered that and that one was red. This chair is brown and entirely from my own super imagination. 

No the foot stool is not the same too. 

You teddies are stupid. 

Well for a start, she called their foot stool an otter man. 

No. I have no idea why. It doesn’t look like an otter or a man. 

And the dad called it a poof. 

Yes he did. 

I know it sounds like a fart. That’s why I am calling mine the clever name of Foot Stool. 

Yea? Well I think you teddies are being mean. 

And I did so think up the word Shazam. 

I don’t want to talk about it any more. 

Shut the fuckup. 

Stupid teddies. 

Now. Let’s relax in my totally original and completely imagined leather lounge and foot stool.

Sshhh. I am thinking about the new giant, blue, sparkly bike. 

Can so. 

Can so!

Right, well I am going up front and doing it right now. That’ll show you. 

It is apparently something that you never, ever forget how to do. All my memories are starting to come back now  and…… it will be just like, well ….. riding a bike!

So long suckers. I am off to ride that awesome blue giant bike. I’ll show you!

…………

Up front the day was just beginning. The kid was getting out of bed just as the sun started to rise.

Get dressed. Hurry! 

Ok. Yes we can have breakfast first. 

Pour the cereal in. Oops. We’ll pick those bits up later. 

Now the milk. Fuck. Too much. 

It’s alright. We will clean that up later as well. 

Now eat. Eat as fast as you can coz I am going riding. 

Faster. 

You can fit way more than that in your mouth! Way more. 

Come on. Come on. 

Right. Wipe your face on your sleeve and let’s go. Just throw the bowl in the sink over there and someone will fix it later. 

Leave it! We’ve got riding to do. 

Outside there was the strong smell of morning. 

Oh yes. I remember that smell. It smells like a brand new day. Like adventure and fruit blossom mixed in with innocence and wonder. The smell of fresh new opportunities and newly cut grass. 

I had forgotten how much I loved mornings. 

Come on. We have a bike to ride. 

I will let you take it out. I will just be a passenger for a bit. 

Hang on. Quick penis check. Yep. Still there thank goodness. 

Whoa. It is a big bike alright. 

Ok. So you stand on the step and get on that way then hold the wall and then…..

Ok. Got it. Looks easy. 

And we are off. 

Oh yea. I remember this. Wind in my face and everything rushing by. 

Wait. Who’s that. Someone was waving. 

Don’t you fucking dare take your hand off the handlebar to wave. 

Fuck him. He is just some old fucking dude watering his lawn. Just ignore him and keep riding. 

“Good morning Mr Harris”, I heard the kid cry out. 

Good, good.  No need for waving and one handed bike riding just yet. If we get a trick cycling gig at the circus maybe but for now let’s just keep holding those handlebars as tightly as possible. 

What the fuck is that!

There is a car coming the other way. Why the fuck do they let cars on the road when we are trying to ride. 

Get out of my fucking way you stupid car. 

Kid on a bike! Kid on a bike! Move over!

We are going to die for sure. That car is still coming and this road looks pretty fucking narrow. How the fuck can you fit a car and a bike on this tiny fucking narrow road?

Let’s veer off into those bushes there just to be safe. Come on. Veer god damnit. Veer!

Oh wait. The car passed us. 

We made it. 

Fuck, that was close but we made it! 

No need to panic. Stay calm. No problems here. You keep riding and I will just sit here being calm and cool. 

This riding is good. It is bringing back so many memories and it is so peaceful and free and windy and good. Apart from that stupid car that almost killed us of course. 

Anyway. Keep riding kid. Take us to lands far away. 

The breeze was warm and soft. The houses were whooshing by. The feeling of motion was relaxing and exciting at the same time. We were moving fast as we went up hills, down hills, round bends and …..

What the fuck. 

Dog! Dog! There is a yapping, wild, frothing at the mouth dog coming up from behind! 

Ride kid! Ride like you’ve never ridden before! If he catches us we are dog meat. Literally!

Ok. The dog’s little tiny four legs were no match for our supersonic bike riding speed. 

Stupid dog. So long sucker!

 Now where are we? We are heading towards a big huge driveway entrance. The road was lined with trees and bushes and tall grasses. 

What did that sign say? You’re going too fast for me to read the signs kid. 

Whoa. Another sign and it says…… 

Nope. Still couldn’t read it. Was it something about falls?

Great. We are on a super sonic speed bike travelling through an area that looks like it should be called The Badlands and we are going somewhere full of signs about falling. 

Great. 

We rode through a gate and past more signs. These signs had pictures of animals mostly. 

Ooh. There’s a picture of a dog, or maybe a wombat, or maybe a wolf. There’s another sign with a snake and another one with a giant dinosaur lizard looking thing. 

Cool. We are in Jurassic Park! 

We rode through a big flat gravel area. There were a few cars parked here and there but we managed to avoid running in to them and made our way to a back corner. The kid somehow manoeuvred the bike to a post and stopped. He was holding the post and the bike and somehow we got off the bike. 

Whoa. My head is still spinning from that ride. 

Best ride ever!

We started to walk. 

Wait kid. Hold on. Stop walking. Hey kid! 

Stop!

We stopped. Maybe he can hear me. 

Look kid, this world is full of evil nasty people that want our bike. They will steal it, take it to a chop shop and before you know it, our bike will be in a million pieces. They will then ship the pieces all over the world to various criminal cartels to be sold on the black market for opium. 

We can’t leave our bike! 

The kid looked back at the bike and slowly walked back. He knelt down and unlatched a bright red chain thing and wrapped it through the wheel and around the post. 

Good move kid. The criminals will have to have welding gear and cutting tools and chainsaws and a hammer to get at it now. I hope that chain is as strong as my nappies were. They were super fucking strong. 

Right. Where are we going?

The kid seemed to know where to go. We walked up a path that meandered through trees and plants. The ground was damp but not muddy. The trees were huge. The plants reached in over the dirt path. We were heading deeper and deeper into what looked like a prehistoric jungle. The smells were incredible. Fresh, clean, mouldy, sweet.

Hang on. 

All those signs back there with the animals were warnings weren’t they? 

We are heading towards giant snakes and kid eating dinosaurs aren’t we?

Cool. Let’s keep going. 

Ooohhh. Look. A bridge ahead! An old wooden bridge made of perfectly round tree trunks. Let’s go. 

The kid stopped in the middle of the bridge and looked down. Far below was a rushing stream of water that was so clear we could see every pebble. There was a little fish, as small as the kid’s finger, darting in and out of the pebbles and the plants along the stream. We stood there, leaning against the rail of the old wooden bridge and watched for a very long time. 

The towering trees above us blocked out the sun and the bridge had a layer of green moss all over it. The stream was making a bubbling tune that sounded so peaceful and there were birds calling out in the distance. Strange bird sounds I hadn’t heard before. 

The smells were fresh and musty at the same time. There was a slight breeze that made the trees and bushes move a little bit. Rustling. They were doing a slow dance, rocking slowly back and forth as the sounds echoed in this deep hidden magical world.

How have I never seen the world like this before. Magical. Hypnotic. The smells and sounds of nature all combining into a peaceful, serene wonderland. 

Hey. Where are we going? I was enjoying the stream and the bridge and magic and stuff, kid. Why are we leaving?

We kept on the path and walked a long way. 

We stopped.

A tiny sliver of light was shining through the dense roof of intertwined tree branches. It was shining down onto a rock like a little spotlight and on the rock was a small lizard stretched out so he could soak up the goodness of the sun. 

We stood and watched quietly until the lizard scurried off back into the jungle. 

We kept walking. 

Walking, walking, walking. 

I didn’t mind. This was a place I had never experienced. I had never even really thought about it. 

It was a magical, hobbit-like land full of wonders and fantastic smells and incredible sounds. 

Steps.  

Steps ahead. 

Lots and lots of fucking steps. 

And a sign. A big sign. 

I know that word. 

“Danger”

There were little pictures on the sign. There was one showing some person slipping on his arse. 

Too funny. 

There was a picture showing someone falling off a cliff. 

Hilarious. 

There was another one showing someone getting bitten by a snake. 

Come on kid. Let’s go before I laugh so hard I wet your pants. 

The steps were damp and slippery. Some steps were just dirt, some were logs and wood, some were big flat boulders and some were concrete. It was all damp and there was a green mossy surface to it. 

The kid didn’t seem to have any trouble climbing though. We were moving pretty fast. 

Go kid. Go!

Up and up and up we went. Round little bends and corners and around trees and bushes and massive boulders. 

Up and up and up.

On some bends there were flimsy little handrails. On other bends you could walk right off the edge and into jungle oblivion. 

Up and up and up. 

So many fucking steps. 

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Finally the kid stopped. 

Ok. Where are we? 

It was a small flat area with a cliff face behind us and an old, flimsy, wooden rail in front. Beyond the rail was…. 

Well it was the view of everything and everywhere all at once. Hills and mountains, blue skies and mist, trees and bushes everywhere. 

Over there were houses, over there was jungle, over there were distant mountains rising up to the sky. 

It was a beauty I had never seen. I felt something inside I had never felt before. 

We walked to a large log sitting near the edge and sat down. We just sat and soaked in the view. There was a freshness in the air that felt like magic and mystery and wonder. The trees emerged from the mist up to the blueness of the sky like they were reaching towards the sun. 

I couldn’t find words. It was just beautiful. Magnificent. 

That was the only word I could think of. 

Magnificent. 

I heard the trees creaking in the breeze. I heard birds calling out to each other in the distance. I heard a whooshing sound. A loud whooshing sound. 

What is that whooshing sound?

The kid pulled a banana out of his pocket, peeled it and took a big bite. 

Oh yea. It was a good banana. 

Tasty, sweet, soft. 

He finished the banana and threw the skin over the edge. It landed on a leafy tree branch and then it started to sink. Slowly, slowly it was being disappeared into the jungle. And then it was gone. The jungle had taken the peel and was putting it to use somewhere deep down below us. 

Magnificent. 

Mmm. I am a little bit thirsty. Do you have a drink in your pocket where that banana came from? All that walking and all this fresh clean air has made my throat a little dry. 

The kid stood up and walked to the rail. The tiny rail that was the only thing between us and a deadly fall into the jungle far below. 

The whooshing sound was really loud now. It seems to be coming from around that corner there. 

Whoa. 

A fucking waterfall?

A huge fucking waterfall!

Right there. Right fucking there that we could almost reach out and ……

What the fuck are you doing?

Don’t reach out there. We are going to fall to our deaths and I have only just discovered this little paradise. I am not ready to die yet. Not now. 

Stop reaching!

The kid cupped his hands and reached out into the waterfall. It was cold. 

It was like a freezing cold tap turned on full blast and the force was pushing hard on my hands. 

He brought his hands to his face and drank. 

Fuck. That is fucking cold and good and …… magnificent. 

More. More. 

The water tasted like nothing I have tasted before. Fresh and cold and clear and clean. Goodness mixed with magic. 

More. More. 

Wow. I need to sit again. Sit and look out over the magical lands. 

And we did, for a long, long time. 

Ok. Looks like it’s time to head back. Back down that narrow, slippery death trail. Yea. 

Whoa. This is steeper than I remember. And more slippery. And those little flimsy handrails wouldn’t stop a fucking leaf from falling. You know I am starting to think that those pictures on the sign were more than something just to make us laugh. I think they might have been a warning that we would probably die on this steep, slippery death track. All alone with no one to hear us scream as we plummet to a our grisly deaths. Giant snakes and lizards will pick at our flesh as we are lying in amongst the jungle with our blood and gizzards strewn everywhere. 

Stop. 

What’s that sound? Did you hear it? 

A sort of slithering in the bushes kind of sound. 

Ok. Keep moving. Keep moving. Giant snake approaching. 

Faster, faster. 

Oh. We are at the bottom. 

See. That wasn’t so hard, kid. We made it. 

Let me just check on my penis again. Yep. All good. Let’s get back to the bike. 

Right. I am good to take it from here. I just put my leg over like this. Why doesn’t my stupid leg go over? What the fuck?

Hang on. Hang on. I forgot to stand on the rock. Right stand on rock, put my leg over, foot on pedal, sit arse on seat. 

Fuck. Did you take off the lock? 

Fuck. You had one fucking job!

Ok. Ok I will get off and undo lock and pack lock away and get back on bike and ……

Now what? 

Oh, that’s right. Push on the pedals to go fast. 

Push one foot. 

Push other foot. 

Ok. We have lift off. We are a go!

Yep. Just like riding a bike. Easy. Push one foot. Push other foot. Here we go. Oops. Parked car ahead. That fucking car is parked right where I am riding. What the fuck is wrong with people. Park somewhere else goddammit. Whoa. Did it just hit his mirror?

Nah. Missed it by miles. That thud was probably a comet crashing somewhere and besides, he will never notice a little scratch on his mirror. It should serve as a lesson to him to park his fucking car somewhere else out of my fucking way. 

Yea. We made it out of the car park through the gate and onto the little road. 

Go down the hill. Faster. Faster. Faster. 

What the fuck. Why are we going so fast? We didn’t go this fast coming up the hill. How do I stop it? Did you back pedal? Nope. That did nothing. 

Did you push this. Fuck. That rings the bell. Why didn’t I pay more attention? Why are we going so fucking fast?

Uh oh. Fence ahead. Let’s see. One of these fucking things must slow us down. What about these gears? I will just push that and…..

Why are we falling? 

What is that crashing sound? 

Why is the bike turning upside down? Why is that gravel rushing up to meet my face?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Ow. That hurt. I can feel that. It hurts. 

Ok. Calm. Calm. 

Check your penis first. 

Ok. Penis is ok. 

Wait. We are laying next to the bike wreckage. Move! Move!

She could explode at anytime. We will be engulfed in a fiery explosion of death and hot burning. Move!

Oh wait. It’s ok. We’re good. No smoke and no flames. 

Right. Let’s hobble over and check out our bike. 

Ok. One scratch but otherwise ok. 

Why does my knee hurt?

Fucking, fucking, fuck, fuck. 

There is blood and ooze and oh my fucking god….. there are rocks and stones and dirt all in my bloody smooshed up knee. I am going to need hundreds and hundreds of stitches and a bandage. I might even lose my whole leg. 

Why didn’t you teach me to ride properly you stupid fucking kid? This is all your fault. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Wait. Check your pocket. Does mum make you take a hanky?

Yes!

Thanks mum. I love you. Mental note to give mum a hug later. 

Now we can use the hanky to clear out all the rocks and dirt and stones and twigs from all the bloody flesh that is just hanging there. Ouch. Ow. Rocks and dirt and blood everywhere. 

There. That’s pretty clean. I will squeeze it like this and ….

Oh yea. Blood coming out. 

Ok. Ok. Not so bad. We can just tie the hanky around the knee like this and hey presto. No one can even tell we have a grotesque knee full of smooshed flesh and oozing blood. 

Alright. Up slowly and carefully and we can still make it home. No one ever needs to know what happened here. 

Oh. And maybe you can take control for the rest of the ride home. I think I am going to the back room for a little rest. 

…………

Shut up teddies. I am trying to tell you what happened. 

So, anyway, there we were, laying in amongst the pile of twisted metal pieces that used to be our giant, blue, sparkly bike. Bits of rubber, pieces of plastic, shattered chrome and blue metal chunks twisted in a huge grotesque pile. Cables swung slowly in the breeze, sending sparks flying through the air. 

Bleeding and hurt we couldn’t move a muscle. We just laid there. 

This was it. Our time was up. Death was coming for us and there was nothing we could do. 

I could see the vultures circling in the sky above us. They knew we didn’t stand a chance. They were hungry and we were on the menu. 

I looked at the kid. He was unconscious and he had a huge sparkly blue metal bike fragment poking out of his bloodied knee. It was a grisly wound and he was bleeding out. Flies were buzzing around his lifeless body. 

I looked back at the huge pile of metal, rubber and chrome and saw that it had started to burn. Flames were springing up everywhere. 

Shit! The fuel line had ruptured and fuel was dripping onto the ground. 

Drip. Drip. Drip. 

The flames were getting closer and closer to the fuel line. It was just a matter of time before the whole thing would blow and we would be nothing but charred corpses.  

Our grisly, gruesome, hot, burning death was almost a certainty and we were about to be a ready cooked meal for the hungry, circling vultures.

I had to act and I had to act fast. 

I summoned all my strength, got to my feet and started to drag the kid away from the burning wreckage. Through the thick black smoke we went. It was burning my lungs and I couldn’t see but I couldn’t stop. I was the kid’s only hope. 

On and on I dragged. My muscles ached. My eyes watered. My lungs burned, full of black toxic fumes. I kept going. I had to keep going. No one else could save him. I was his only chance of survival. I pushed myself onwards and onwards until finally we were at a safe distance and then……..

Kaboom!

 I walked slowly away as, behind me, the bike blew with a huge fiery explosion that filled the sky …… in slow motion. 

I adjusted my sunglasses and just kept walking calmly towards the camera. 

And that was what happened. Pretty cool eh?

Did so. 

Shut up teddies. 

You know the word “hero” was mentioned a few times but I prefer to think of it as “just doing my job”.

Of course I am going again. I will just have to wait a few days for the kid’s thousands of stitches to heal and then we will head off somewhere else I guess. 

Dangerous? Maybe. But I live for danger. Danger is my business. Danger is my middle name. It’s not my first brush with death and it won’t be my last.

Hey. You know what we need here in the back room?

Snacks. 

Do you guys have snacks? I feel like a snack.