Yin, Meet Yang - Chapter 1

 I had some time to kill and started to write a book. 

I don’t know if anyone is ever going to read this but I thought “What the hell..” so here is Chapter 1 and if anyone does read this, please let me know if I should write more or if I should forget about it and move on.

Oh, and be aware that there might be a swear word or two in it. Sorry.

It was dark and warm and I was comfortable. The type of comfortable that is rare and unique. I felt at ease. At peace. I drifted back into my deep sleep. The gentle beating rhythm in the far off background pulled me deeper down. 

I was relaxed. 

It was a serene and tranquil peace and the darkness felt warm and safe. It was paradise. 

What was that!

I felt a pushing sensation. I couldn’t work out what was pushing me but it was uncomfortable. I had been is such a good deep sleep that I really didn’t want the pushing. 

For fucks sake. Stop with the pushing!

It was pitch black so I couldn’t make out anything. No shadows, no sounds, just me and the darkness and that god forsaken pushing. I wished it would stop so I could get back to my peaceful dreaming. 

I am not going anywhere. I am happy right where I am. Fuck off with the pushing and let me get back to the peace. 

The rhythmic beating stated to get faster and louder. 

I am not moving so stop with all the fucking pushing!

Ooh. It stopped. 

Finally I can get back to my peaceful dreams. I can just curl up and slowly drift back off to ….

Fuck!  Somethings got my head. I could feel pressure on both sides of my head and it started to hurt. Leave me alone!

I screamed but no sound came out. 

Now I had the pulling as well as that fucking pushing and all I wanted was to be left alone. 

The lights suddenly came on, so bright that it blinded me and I couldn’t see anything. Just brightness. Brightness and shouting and now moving. Brightness, shouting, moving and ……

What the fuck! 

I could feel something on me, like a gooey, warm goop all over me. I was cold all of a sudden. 

I don’t like this! 

Leave me alone! I want to go home. I was sad. Sad and angry. I think I was shouting. I think I was crying. 

I could feel a warm wet towel wiping me all over and then I was being restrained by something. Wrapped up tightly in some devilish torture device. 

I couldn’t move a muscle. I was completely helpless. 

A huge blurry face appeared in front of my eyes. A giant. 

She was speaking but I couldn’t understand what the hell she was saying. 

She handed me over to someone else who also stuck their huge face close to mine and made strange sounds. 

Shit. I remember this. I didn’t want to do this again. 

No, I screamed. Hadn’t I done enough! Can’t I have some peace?

The only sound that came out was a high pitched crying sound. 

Fuck this. I am heading to the back room. I am not in the fucking mood for all this again. 

I was ok in the back room. It wasn’t as good as the peace and tranquility of the womb but it was ok. I had plenty to do and plenty to think about. Actually I had nothing to do and the only thing I could think about was that I had to go through all this again! Still, I am not going back to the front. I will stay right here and……. Well, I will work something out. I will find something to do. Or I could just lay here in the dark for the next 80 years and listen to the silence. Yes, that’s it. I am going to sit this one out. 

Fuck them all. 

…………

So how long has it been?  It is hard to gauge time here in the dark nothingness. Maybe I could just pop up front to see what was going on. Just for a second though. 

I gradually opened my eyes. It was almost dark but I could still just see. 

I was laying down. 

Hey, maybe its already been 80 years and have managed to miss the whole thing. Yea!

I looked at my hand and laughed. That is one hell of a freaky looking hand. It was tiny. Was it mine? Are you sure that’s mine. I will just shake it to see. 

I laughed again. 

Jeez. That is a freakin hilarious looking hand. 

Whoa. There was something warm and horrible in my pants. 

Let me out of here. I am heading back to the back room. 

The back room was a good place to rest. The front will be absolute chaos for years so I planned to spend a shit load of time here in the back room. I will just sit in the dark and quiet and think about how dark and quiet it is. That’s a plan. 

…………

Well I think that was a really long time. I will check on progress out front. 

Hmm. The room looks huge. Laying on my back and staring at the ceiling I could see little teddies on a mobile above me. I tried to stop my self giggling but I couldn’t. Those teddies were just so damn cute and they played this cool little tune. I could stare at them for hours. 

In fact I will. 

I giggled and stared. 

I wonder if I am a girl or a boy. 

I tried to sit up but couldn’t. I rolled over, squirmed, lifted my knees and pushed with my arms. 

Fuck. Now my face was submerged in the pillow. I couldn’t see the cute teddies anymore and I had no idea how to roll back over. 

I decide to kick with my legs and move my arms about as fast as I could. Nope. That didn’t work. 

I might try kicking my legs and moving my arms about. 

Nope. Still in the pillow. Time for a different approach. I will kick my legs and move my arms about. 

Hoorah! 

After what seemed to be years, I finally rolled over. There are those teddies again. I giggled. And I realised how clever I was for being able to roll over. Maybe this time I was destined to be one of those super smart babies. 

All that work thinking and kicking and moving my arms about has made me tired though. I will find out if I am a boy or girl next time. 

For now, back to the back room for a rest. 

Now what can I remember from the last times?

My memory is a little foggy at the moment but I am sure I know all the things I had learnt before. I just need to remember them somehow. I am sure that rolling over and sitting up should be easy. That much I do remember. I need to work on my technique for next time. 

Mental note: kicking and moving arms about equals rolling over. 

Mental note 2: I am a super smart baby. 

I might just go to the front and see how super smart I am really am. 

I opened my eyes just a bit. I was propped in front of a television with some pillows all around me. I couldn’t see anyone else around but I was having difficulty swinging my big melon head around to look properly. It felt so goddamn heavy. It just sort of wobbles around on top of my shoulders. Maybe it’s not connected to my neck properly. Or maybe I am one of those giant-head babies I had seen before. Those ones that everyone says is cute but no one wants to pick up and cuddle. 

Fuck!

I am a freak with a giant melon head that wobbles about and my life is going to be spent in a travelling circus with other freaky babies. We will spend our days travelling in our wagons and our nights being laughed at while we sit in our small cages. 

Maybe I could learn to be a big headed clown baby freak. I am a super smart baby after all. And as a super smart melon-headed clown baby I could learn to ride a miniature tricycle. 

Ok. Let’s try the movement thing again. Roll over. Bend knees. Stretch out arms and straighten legs. Whoa. I am up. 

I am so fucking tall. I can see all the way out of the room from here. Wait. Why is everything moving. Shit. 

I am about to fall everyone. 

Hullo. 

Come save me. 

Catch me before I fall down and die. 

Help me please! 

Thud. 

Oh. That wasn’t so bad. I landed on my butt and my butt is padded. Cool. 

Don’t worry, I shouted. I saved myself. I don’t need you any more. 

While I am here I really do need to see if I am a boy or a girl. Let me just grab those tags on my nappy and rip them off. 

Shit. 

Why can’t I grab the tags. My fingers don’t work. For fucks sake! I just want to grab that fucking tag! How hard can it be. 

Nope. Hands don’t work properly. Giant melon head AND stupid hands. I am definitely destined for the circus. 

Maybe I can scratch my nappy off. If I just pull at it here and grab at it there and pull. Push. Rip. Tear. Pull again. More ripping, a couple of punches. Ripping with both hands. That should about do it. 

I looked down. 

Nothing. Not a scratch. I had been at it for hours and I couldn’t even put the tiniest mark on the nappy. It must be a super new tough material that can never be damaged. Nothing else could have survived my super destroying talents. 

Fucking super nappies! 

Oooh. Here comes someone. 

 She was talking to me in a weird sort of baby voice. 

No wonder I am going to end up in the circus. My mother is a freak too!

She lifted me up and put me on the table. Somehow, I have no idea how, she had the nappy off in seconds flat. 

Let me see. Let me see. 

Do I have a penis or vagina?

Every time I made a move to look she would get in my way, touch my nose or lean in an kiss me. 

Let me fucking well see!

If only I could lift this fucking giant melon head up a little bit maybe I could see. 

Penis or vagina? Nope. No one could lift this head. It is super heavy and super big. 

She threw a little cloth on my face and everything went black. Shit. Now I can’t see anything. What the fuck!

All of a sudden the cloth disappeared and her face was in my face. She made a funny sound. 

Whoa. That was fucking hilarious. She was gone and then she was there. Oh my god. I can’t stop giggling. She is a fucking genius. 

Wait, wait. I tried to ask her if I was a boy or girl but it just came out as gibberish. Talking gibberish. Another one of my many fucking circus talents.

Perhaps I can reach around and just feel if it is a penis or vagina. I am sure I can just reach around. Whoa. She grabbed my arm. 

She was smiling at me and baby talking again. 

I’ll try with my other hand. Whoops. She grabbed that one too. She is one quick woman. 

Ok. Here I go. Both hands at once. Ready. Set. Go. 

I made a lightening super speed move and finally I knew. I now hold in my hand…….… a tiny penis. 

I am a boy! 

At last I know. A boy. A boy with a tiny, tiny penis. And now I have finally grabbed it, I am never letting it go. Never! Ever! It’s mine! 

Her face was getting closer and closer to mine as I held on to my penis with both hands as tightly as I could. She was moving in slow motion. Closer, closer. What the fuck is she doing? Closer…… and then all of a sudden she was blowing on my stomach. Oh my god. It was making a funny sound and it made my stomach vibrate and wobble. 

It tickles! It tickles! 

She did it again. 

It is fucking hilarious. 

Do it again. Do it again. I keep yelling but it keeps coming out as baby gibberish. 

She finally stopped with the baby belly munching and blowing thing, wrapped me up in a blanket and handed me something in a bottle. 

Bourbon? I asked her. 

She just smiled and laid me down on my bed and held the bottle while I drank. The bottle was full of tasty, warm goodness. 

Mmmm. That tastes so nice I think I can drink this forever. 

Mmmmmm. Wait. Nothings coming out. I am still sucking but it’s only air. Umm, perhaps she will refill it for me if I ask her nicely. Damn. Just goo goo and gah gah comes out. I really do have to learn whatever language she speaks so I can get her to do more stuff for me. 

Ooohhhh. My stomach doesn’t feel so good all of a sudden. I think I’m going to be….

Bugger this. I am heading to the back room. 

…………

It’s all starting to come back to me now. I don’t remember much but I do remember lots of time sleeping and eating and pooping my pants and I think that goes on for years and years. I am definitely waiting it out here in the back room. I will go up front when it’s time to find a circus to join. 

In the meantime, let’s review what I’ve got to work with. 

I have a gigantic melon head that is way too heavy for me to carry around. 

My hands are tiny and useless and I can’t even hold that bottle of yummy goodness by myself. 

My legs either don’t work properly or my head is so big and heavy that my legs can’t carry the weight. And….

I can only speak some weird language that no one understands. 

So what’s the good news…..

There has to be some good news because I am stuck with this weirdness for a long, long time. 

Or……. I could just stay here in the back room. I could wait here for 70 years or so until we finally get around to that point where I am old, I can’t stand up, I keep pooping my pants and no one understands me. 

Hmmmmm.  Big decisions ahead I think. 

Perhaps the circus is the better option. If I am really grotesque looking I might be set for life in a good circus. I get a bed. People throw food at me. I get to travel. 

I better check out what I look like next time I go up front. If I am really deformed and ugly then I will go the circus option. If not I can work out something else. 

I am now sort of hoping that I am really fucking ugly. I remember circuses being really cool and I think I would like travelling. Yep. A circus life for me.

Fingers crossed, if I could get my fucking fingers to work. 

…………

I open my eyes slowly. 

Excellent. I am in the pillows watching tv again. Except the tv is black. There is nothing on. Fuck that. I can fix it. 

Now, to stand up I need to roll over, kick my legs, push my arms and hey presto. Wait. Where’d everything go? Why is it so dark? Fuck! I am stuck in the pillows again. 

Ok, ok, slowly. Calmly. Roll. Roll. Kick. Push. Whoa, I am sitting. I can do this. If I use my stupid baby hands as feet and my chubby fat knees as my other feet, I can move around. 

It’s all coming back to me now. 

I am mobile!

If I can get a bit closer I can grab that thing and lift myself up to the tv. 

Jeez I am heavy. How the hell am I ever going to get to a circus if I can’t even stand up. Right, let’s try again and this time use my super strength.

Fuck. I fell down again. Why is this shit so hard?

Alright. One more time roll, kick, push, sit, pull up and hey. I am in front of the tv. Woo hoo. Super baby!

Now I remember from another life that I used to tap the tv when it wasn’t doing what I wanted it to, so I will just punch the living hell out of this tv and show it who is boss. 

Smack. 

Take that. 

Take that and that and that. I am going to town on you tv. You better turn yourself on unless you want some more of that smack down. Smack! 

Oh yeah. I am given the tv a savage beating. 

Take that!

Ow. That hurts my hand. I don’t want to do this any more. Stupid tv. It must be made from the same super strong stuff my nappies are made from. 

Ooh. I know. I’ll go find a mirror and look at my hideous face. That will cheer me up.

 

All right tv. You may think you have won this time but you are just lucky I can’t reach inside my nappy or I would be smearing the good stuff all over you. But for now, I am turning around and walking away. 

Oh fuck. I forgot I can’t walk. I am about to fall again….. That floor is about to meet my hideous face. 

Ow! Hmm. Not so bad. 

Now let’s see if I can master this four legged dog walk thing. 

One hand moves, one knee moves. Then the other hand and the other knee. Then again and again and again and I am fucking motoring along at a gazillion goddamn miles an hour. 

Ooooowee. Here I go. I am the fastest baby in the whole fucking universe. 

Now, let’s find me a mirror. 

Here’s a doorway to another room. I will just swing my giant melon head around a little to look…… Nope, no mirror. Let’s keep going. Here is a smaller room with some sort of giant bowl in it. I should look into that one day. It smells kind of interesting in there. No, not today. I am on a mission. 

Another room and hey presto. A mirror that I can reach. I will just crawl right up to it and look at my ugly fugly face and then I can start planning my circus life. Here we go. Crawling, crawling, ready, set, look!

God damn you!

I am fucking adorable. I am so fucking cute no circus will ever want me. 

Why oh why am I so fucking cute? 

I am just going to sit here and cry and cry and no. Fuck that. I am going to the back room. 

Fuck you all!

…………

Well that was disappointing. I am as cute and adorable as I could possibly be. I am destined to live a life of people wanting to pinch my cheeks and make stupid noises at me. I will probably be entered into cute baby competitions and all the other babies will hate me because I am so fucking adorable. 

My life is ruined. My circus dream is shattered. I think I will just stay here in the back room, forever!

So. If I am going to spend my entire life in this room I should make it more comfortable. I will create a magnificent dwelling where I can spend my days relaxing and enjoying myself. It will be the grandest of places fit for kings and circus folk. And there will be no fucking mirrors anywhere. 

I just have to use my imagination to create it. How easy is that? Real easy I say. No millions of tiny screws and a stupid little tool to put it all together. Nope. Just my imagination is all that is needed. 

Right. First things first, I need a grand place to sit. I will imagine something grand like, um, a, er. Ooh. I know. I imagine a heap of pillows. 

And there they are. 

Next, I need something to do. I will imagine a, um, ooh. A tv. A big, black tv. 

And there it is. 

And now some decorations….like um, maybe something like, come on imagination. Think of something….. oh, I know. I imagine teddies hanging down, slowly turning. 

And there they are. 

Wow. I have done it. I have created something entirely from my obviously gifted imagination. I am so fucking clever. I can now lay on these soft pillows in front of the tv while the teddies swing around above me. All imagined by me. My imagination is the best imagination in the whole wide something something….. Whatever. 

Now all I need to do is to get this fucking tv turned on somehow. 

…………

I am a little bit bored. I mean my pillows are great. My teddies are fucking awesome and my tv is really, really black. What more do I need?

But for some reason I am bored. I think I need to use my imagination to create other things in the room. Things like……. I dunno. Things. And stuff. Really good things and really cool stuff. 

Just think. 

How hard can it be to imagine new things, I mean, I imagined all of this stuff right? Things and stuff. Stuff and things. What can I imagine. Cool stuff and new things. 

Fuck. 

It has been a long long time since I went out front. Maybe I should just pop out quickly and get some inspiration. I mean even the greatest artists in the world need inspiration some times. Even Dee Angelo and Michael Vinchi probably needed inspiration occasionally. 

Just a quick peek out front and I will be inspired to create marvellous wonderful stuff and things that no one had ever imagined before. 

Ok. Fuck it. I will go up front. Just for a peek. 

I will back in a minute teddies. Just hang there for a sec. I won’t be long. 

…………

Whoa. Where am I. 

Let’s see. There’s dad holding my hand. There’s mum holding my other hand. 

We are walking up to that building over there. Wait. What is that over there. I remember them. It’s a fucking tree. Trees are super fucking awesome and that tree is gigantic. It’s big and tall and bushy and green and it smells fan fucking tastic. 

I love trees. I remember lots of great things about trees. I can put a huge tree in my room. That would be cool. Although that wouldn’t leave me much room. Maybe I should see what’s in that building. Maybe there is something in there that can inspire me. 

Whoa. They are lifting me up off the ground and swinging me forwards. Cool. 

Whoa. There they go again. Awesome. This is fun. And my head doesn’t feel any where near as heavy as it did before. Maybe mum and dad paid for an operation that shrunk my head a few sizes. Or maybe it’s just lighter because it’s now completely empty. 

Fuck knows. 

Ok. They are kissing me and handing me off to some strange woman. They are talking and I can understand what they are saying. Thank fuck. I have learnt their language. 

“He will be fine”, the woman said. “We will have lots of fun today with all the other children. Won’t we?” She looked at me and smiled. 

Fucked if I know lady. What are we doing?

Oh. A hug from dad. A kiss from mum. Wait. Is she crying? What the fuck is going on. Are they given me away to some orphanage. Did they decide that having a kid was too fucking hard after all?

What the fuck is going on here people?

And there goes mum and dad. 

They have abandoned me. Or maybe they have sold me and I expect these are the fucking coal mines where I will be working for the next trillion years until I die some gruesome death. Lying in the coal dust, reaching for help and coughing up icky stuff until the light slowly fades and the crows move in to peck out my eyes. 

My circus life dream has just been replaced with a coal miner’s life. A life of dirt and dust and darkness. Deep within the bowels of the earth with nothing but a canary to keep me company. 

Although…… It  could be cool though. I vaguely remember some coal mines that were full of dwarves with lots of singing. 

Hi ho. 

I can see it now. I have a big pick on my shoulder and me and my short friends are singing as we work. I think I might like it. 

Ok lady, take me to those fucking coal mines. 

We went up the steps. Oh, good news. I can walk now. It looks like I have finally mastered the incredibly difficult art of walking. Thank fuck. That makes life easier. 

Inside was a big room with weird drawings all over the walls. There were other kids talking and playing and sitting and doing all sorts of stuff. These might be the dwarves. They are short enough to be dwarves but with no beards. I thought dwarves had beards. I wanted to ask one of them if he was a dwarf but I thought it probably best that I stay quiet for a while. I looked around for the picks but couldn’t see any. Maybe they were in the mines already. 

The lady started talking and everyone sat on the floor. They all went quiet and listened to what she was saying. I didn’t listen. I was too busy trying to work out where the fucking mines were. And where are the old dwarves with beards. Somethings not quite right here. Where is the dirt and the dust and the canaries?

Why aren’t we singing?

Wait. She is handing out big sheets of paper to everyone. Now she is putting lots of crayons in the centre. She obviously wants us to write our resumes before we head down the mine. Or maybe we need to write our wills. You know. In case we die down there. Apparently that happens a lot. 

What do I have that I want to leave to anyone in my will. I just have my fantastic imagination and my penis. I hope I still have my penis. I better check. Oh yeah. If I fondle around a bit in my pants I can feel the little fella still in there. 

Good news everybody. My penis is ok. 

I better keep checking on him though. I don’t want to lose him. 

Alright. We have paper and crayons. Luckily I am super smart so I know what we need to do. 

Just to be sure though I will look at what the dwarves are doing. 

Hmmmm. They are drawing. 

The lady came up to me and said “ Just draw anything you want, sweetheart. Anything.”

Fuck. Luckily I am blessed with the best imagination ever. I looked over at one of the dwarves. They were drawing their parents. Either their parents or evil stick insect people looking to suck out everyone’s brains. I wasn’t completely sure. One on the other side was drawing something that could have been a dog or a dinosaur. Or maybe it was a giant caterpillar fighting with a monkey. 

Fuck knows. 

Ok. Using my imagination now. Here it comes. What will it be. 

For fucks sake. I can’t think of anything. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Wait. Wait. I know. I will use my imagination and think of ……..

 A tree!

Woo hoo. I did it. Again. Fuck I am good. 

So I need brown. Right. And a tree has a trunk that is shaped like this…… why is my tongue reaching outside my mouth. Put that fucking tongue back. 

And the branches go like this. What the fuck is going on with that fucking tongue. Put it away goddamn it. And why are the branches looking like that. For fucks sake. It is a simple tree. Let’s try it again. And no fucking tongue out this time. 

Right. The other branches sort of come out and up like this……..

What the fuck. Has someone been dosing me with magic mushrooms! Why doesn’t my hand go where I want it to go! I have obviously been drugged. Drugged with mushrooms and LSD and my hand doesn’t work properly and my tongue doesn’t want to stay where it is fucking supposed to be. 

Wait! I can do this. I can do this. 

The leaves are easy. I will just grab the green crayon. Hey dwarf. Give me that fucking green crayon. Thank you!

And the leaves go like this and this and this and…..

“That is a lovely tree”, the lady had snuck up from behind and scared the shit out of me. I wanted to tell her to fuck off and, by the way, go call the police. Someone is obviously putting hallucinogenics in my milk. But instead I just heard “Thank you Miss”. 

My tree looks like it was made of plastic and then melted by the sun. It was distorted and ghastly. The trunk looked like a dead and diseased fat snake and the branches looked like someone had run over the snake and bits of him were scattered around the place. The leaves looked like someone had eaten a green crayon and vomited on the paper. 

I am obviously not going to be an artist. 

“How about some lovely birds for the tree.” That lady was still hanging around. 

See. That is the problem with being so fucking adorable. They just won’t leave you alone. She will be rubbing my head and pinching my fucking cheeks in no time. Being adorable is fucking hard. 

“Ok” I heard myself say. Wimp. 

Ok, birds aren’t that difficult. Just a couple of M’s in the sky. Just like this. Fuck. That is not an M. That looks more like a Pelican poop falling from the sky. And that tongue is going to get bitten off if you can’t keep it in your fucking mouth!

Fuck this. I’ll be in the back if you need me. 

Hang on. Before I go I better just do a quick penis check. Ummm. Yep. There he is, safe and sound. All good down in the underpants area. 

Ok. See ya later, alligator.

…………

So I still didn’t manage to get any inspiration for my room. Unless of course you count the tree. And maybe the run over fat brown snake and the green crayon vomit. But none of those things would look good in my room. 

Hey Teddies. Any ideas?  Nope. They are not going to be any help at all. I need to think of something tremendously stupendous that will convert my room to a stupendously tremendous place. How hard could that be? I have a stupendously tremendous imagination after all. 

If only I could get some inspiration without the hassles of going up front. If only there was a way to see what was going on so I could stupendously transform my room tremendously. Maybe I am a poet. I mean words like tremendously and stupendously are pretty clever in a poetic kind of way. I could be one of those rich and famous poets. Oh. Hang on. I don’t remember any poets who were rich and famous. I don’t think you are allowed to be rich AND be a poet. And I think you have to be dead to be a famous poet. There are rules around that type of thing I am sure. 

Oh well. Back to the problem at hand. 

Think stupendously. 

Think tremendously. 

Fuck. Is that an idea I just had?  Can I do that?

If I just fiddle there and poke there and imaginate this (oooh, I like that word. Imaginate. I will have to remember that and use it next time I am out front.)

There. If I connect this to that and that to this…… And now I just turn on the big black tv and hey presto. I can see what’s happening out front. 

Whoa. I really am super smart. I can sit here and see what’s happening without ever going up front again. Life is good. 

Hey teddies. Check out the stupendously tremendous thing I just imaginated. Ask me how cool it is to be super smart. 

Fuck yea. 

All that imaginating has worn me out a bit. Time to stretch out on my pillows for a while……